Nirvana Achieved in Our Time...

...including the cure for cancer, middle east peace, galactic free trade and oh yes, economic salvation!



Just add $9.95 (Trillion, that is...) for shipping and handling.

Here's the bold new plan: By spending more money we don't have on more pork we don't need we'll get more debt we can't service. As a result we'll glide smoothly down the road to serfdom lasting prosperity.

Seems unlikely, but it must be true. After all, the Obamessiah has spoken it. Head held high, basking in Himself, Benito Husseinolini Obama assures us: "We will rebuild. We will recover - and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before."

(He's actually telling the truth. His America IS the government, which WILL emerge stronger than before. We the people are just the fuel, and it's not his fault we don't know what he's talking about up there...)

Anyway, we get "a new lending fund that represents the largest effort ever to help provide auto loans, college loans and small business loans to the consumers and entrepreneurs who keep this economy running." (Bankers were bad enough, but now we have to go before the Feds to buy a car?!?! Hope you're current on your taxes...)

We get a new housing plan that will "help people facing foreclosure refinance their mortgages and lower their monthly payments." (Sounds expensive. Good thing it's free!)

We'll shovel even more money into the black hole our banking system, but with fresh promises of accountability. It was amusing to watch Nanny Pelosi, fresh off her junket to Italy, sit with eyes averted as Benito said of this bank aid "This time, CEO's won't be able to use taxpayer money to... ...disappear on a private jet. Those days are over." (Yep. Those days sure are over. Only our rulers get to jet around from here on out.)

Now the bad news obvious: "This plan will require significant resources from the Federal government - and yes, probably more than we've already set aside. But while the cost of action will be great, I can assure you that the cost of inaction will be far greater - for it could result in an economy that sputters along for not months or years but perhaps a decade" (Kind of like the last time we threw big money and government programs at a downturn - the Great Depression - and sputtered along for a decade? But this time will be different. He said so...)

"It's not about helping banks - it's about helping people" (What a crock. If that were true, he'd be giving that money to the people. But no - he's giving it to the banks. Forget the rhetoric - follow the money.)

"We're going to reform our outdated regulatory system" (More alphabet soup government, in other words.)

Speaking on the automobile industry's woes, he fantasized "...we are committed to the goal of a retooled and re-imagined auto industry that can compete and win" and then "I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it" This to thunderous applause. (Is it picking nits to inform the messiah that the nation that invented the automobile is Germany? Interesting choice of words, regardless - if the auto industry fails under the government's heavy hand, we will be walking away...)

Then we get to the collectivist wet dream of socialized medicine. Socialized medicine is an ugly term, so we calls it "health care reform" these days. In classic doublespeak, the first step (the recent government takeover of our medical records) will "reduce errors, bring down costs, ensure privacy and save lives." (Applying the descrambler, that's "Ensuring costs, reducing privacy, saving errors and bringing down lives." Yep - that's what the government's good at, all right.)

Somehow, this will even "launch a new effort to... ...seek a cure for cancer in our time" (Sure. Promise the moon; deliver Gilligan's Island! I wonder - is cancer considered "cured" if you simply don't live long enough to get it? Just a thought...)

At a Hitlerian fever pitch, He said "health care reform CANNOT wait, it MUST not wait, and it WILL not wait another year!" (More thunderous applause. Really thunderous. Precisely as I had feared, socialized medicine is on the fast track. The Anointed One is going to saddle our economy with this debacle on top of all our existing burdens. You've been warned.)

But wait - there's hope: "We've already identified $2 trillion in savings over the next 10 years." (Gee - the exact amount He spent in His first four weeks. Fancy that! Out of that ten years.,the last six are someone else's problem - wanna bet that's when the "savings" are found?)

Another messianic reassurance: "I will not allow terrorists to plot against the American people from safe havens halfway around the world." (Of course not - they're all welcome in DC these days! And why not - those caves can get rather chilly.)

The messiah also stated that he could " stand here tonight and say, without exception or equivocation, the United States of America does not torture." (Our enemies, anyway, and they will sleep well tonight. The American people are somewhat less fortunate.)

This exhausts me. There was much more on education, jobs, etc., etc. - all dripping with teleprompted loftiness. (Turns out that when the loftiness meter is pegged, you're at peak gagging as well.) There was also plenty of blame for the problems He's inherited, to more thunderous applause - which is rather cynical given that the problem He's inherited is the government He's expanding. When the Obamessiah got to the part about about our responsibilities to our children and gravely informed us of "the responsibility to ensure that we do not pass on them a debt they cannot pay" I couldn't take any more.

At least it was enlightening to see our genuflecting Congress get in a few knee bends! They've passed so much legislation without reading it lately that I'd begun to wonder if the staffers and the taxidermists were the only living creatures there! But no - they're alive! And all those knee bends - a foretaste, no doubt, of the New National Health Plan People's Daily Exercise Program - coming soon to a collective near you...